PSP - Public Skating Paparazzi
Now in case you don't know, I fly in Friday evenings, skate at 5pm on Saturdays, and leave on Sundays. I always get asked the same question: What the heck do you do with your time? Well, of course part of the time in working out at the gym and walking the mall. There is one thing that I always do, however I am sure there is some bad karma-ju-ju connected to it. I watch the public skate and spot the skaters who are going to take some hard falls. I then sit back, wait, and watch. Believe it or not there is a skill to this. If you watch long enough you will notice a pattern. People start to clump up and disperse. When the clumping happens, get ready, someone always gets knocked over. I'm amazed a finger doesn't get skated over at this juncture. You will then notice a few skaters start to skate a bit faster. By doing so, the "pack" starts to follow and increase their speed into a mad dash frenzy. Watch for the skaters who shouldn't be going this fast, for they are the first to go down. I put together a few names of skaters and their definitions to help you distinguish these skaters from the rest.
Wayne "Wannabe" Gretzky: This hockey skater has some skills and is noted for his 4 quick run pushes and then two foot glide. He clearly thinks he is way too good to be out with the rest of the riff-raff, yet is sorely mistaken. He will either cause skaters to fall over as he dodges in and out of traffic, or skates too fast into a clump and his stopping/dodging skills aren't sufficient to stop the inevitable crash.
Fancy "Figuring" Fanny: These girls are the most dangerous to watch. Having just watched skating on TV, they are excited to try out the "tricks" they saw their favorite skater perform. Just because the skater they witnessed practiced years to perform a back spiral with speed, the Fancy Figuring Fanny sees no reason why she cannot execute that on her first try during a very crowded public skate. Watch as these toepick tipped blades come hurling across the ice ready to catch some poor, unsuspecting soul in the back, abdomen, chest, or even worse, the head. Some how this hardly ever happens, but more often than not its the "hey I think I can spin around like that" that causes some spectacular tail bone crunches and belly flops.
First Date Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers: These couples are so adorable to watch. They hit the ice with one or both looking like bambi trying to stay up right on the frozen pond. They usually are wearing clothes that are way too tight and spend half the time pulling up their jeans to cover their plumber's crack. They continually want to hold hands and sneak up and catch the other unawares, which ALWAYS causes a spectacular two people crash. They put on a good poker face and laugh at how cute they are, but you know they are crying inside from the pain they are causing each other. When the "Fred" is the worse of the two skaters, the most entertaining part is not when he takes his "Ginger" out as they both go down. The best part is watching him attempt to be a gentlemen and help her up, which always ends in another fall.
Dislocating Dad & Masochist Mom: These parents like to hold on to their little one's hands at they skate. Barley able to skate themselves, they drag their offspring around the rink subjecting them to being their very own pillows as they most always fall down on top of them. The favorite is when the child falls while the parent maintains their death grip. The child, who is much shorter than the parent, is then left dangling by one arm in the air causing the risk of a shoulder dislocation. This move is commonly known as the "Monkey Dangle."
Fracturing Father / AKA: Wayne "Wannabe" Gretzky with a new born: A very rare dumbass, but if spotted needs to be IMMEDIATELY removed from the ice and severely beaten. This stupid father gets on the ice with a baby strapped to their back thinking how fun it would be to zip around the ice with the baby watching over their shoulder. When told to get off the ice (almost had to wrestle one off the ice back in the day when I was a skate guard) they are offended when you suggest the end result will be a backwards fall with the baby being slammed into the ice with the full weight of the dad coming down on top of the poor tyke. Even the best skater could get taken out by a skater from behind. If spotted immediately grab someone to get this moron off the ice!!!
I know this is from my iPhone and tough to see, but I thought I would try to give you some of the entertaining, er, I mean unfortunate falls on a public skate.